How Drama Works
The Karpman drama triangle is a powerful model used in coaching and therapy to explain dysfunctional relationships. Dr. Stephen Karpman first described the model in transactional analysis in 1968.
Three Roles
Persecutor: an attacker, an aggressor. The persecutor can be anyone who upsets the status quo.
Victim: experiences the effects of the Persecutor’s actions, feels attacked, helpless.
Rescuer: the Rescuer plays the role of the protector/provider trying to restore equilibrium. Distinct from an actual real-world rescue (e.g. emergency situation), the rescuer in this context gains an egoic benefit from patching up interpersonal difficulties.
All of us play these roles in different situations, and we also switch roles within any given drama. Often times the Rescuer is the same person as the Persecutor, who, seeing the effects of his/her attacks, rushes in to fix things. Or the Victim gets fed up with feeling powerless and strikes back as the Persecutor, effectively flipping the roles.
What’s Your Story?
You can also use this model to look at how you tell the story of your life.
Do you feel victimized by the recession, your job, tragedies, your family upbringing, or a lack of money or appreciation? Most people are quick to jump to Victim because it’s the fastest way to avoid personal responsibility for things we don’t like.
Or do you sometimes live by “I don’t get mad, I get even”? When we play the Persecutor we use aggression to create a false sense of power. It could be as subtle as arrogance, or as extreme as terrorism. Think of The Karate Kid movie and the difference between the our young hero and his rival. The rival student acts from undisciplined anger. As a Persecutor, he lacks the stability needed to win his fights.
An enemy deserves no mercy.
Or are you the superhero of your own tale, swooping in at the perfect moment to please and placate? When we play the Rescuer, our egos gain tremendous gratification from saving others from all kinds of evils and ills. By doing this, we puts ourselves up and them down. People in positions of authority (politicians, law enforcement, military, religious orders, corporate executives, even medical doctors) often identify closely with the Rescuer.
Cinderella double-rescued by her Fairy Godmother and Prince Charming.
It’s A Sticky Trap
The big problem with playing these primeval roles is that although they make for great drama, they are all powerless loosing positions. When we believe our own Victim-Persecutor-Rescuer stories we become locked into inauthentic expression. Some might refer to this inauthenticity as letting your “limiting character” take over. These roles are the worst kinds of mindsets you can have, and yet most of us are in them most of time.
All of these V-P-R mindsets represent debilitatingly low states of consciousness. They would show up very low on Steve Chandler’s Ladder of Human Consciousness, characterized by emotions such as: fear, anxiety, worry, doubt, depression, violence and addiction.
Breaking Free
In a recent session discussing the V-P-R triangle, my client asked, “What’s the alternative? How do I break out of this vicious V-P-R triangle?”
The good news is that it’s perfectly normal and tremendously human to play the game. The even better news is that, there is a roadmap to break free. Like most transformations, it starts with being aware of the problem itself and recognizing yourself in the picture.
Step 1: Acceptance
The first thing we have to understand was best said by Albert Einstein:
“Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.”
It’s hard to see any alternative when we’re locked within the triangle of dysfunction. Our first job is to create acceptance and compassion for ourselves and others. This immediately moves us up the ladder.
Step 2: Understanding
Our second job is to understand. Your colleagues, friends and family members are likely engaged in the drama triangle with you, so hear their feedback with a grain of salt. A good coach or therapist can help you understand how these dynamics play out with questions like:
- Who is playing each of these roles now?
- Which role do I play the most in this team/relationship?
- How do I perpetuate the triangle?
- What misunderstanding would I need to forgive to be free of this pattern?
Only when compassion, understanding and forgiveness have taken root can we then begin to rise into the alternative mindset. Moving there requires a simple shift in consciousness. I call it the Compassionate Owner.
Step 3: Compassionate Ownership
A compassionate owner has these characteristics:
- Takes 100% personal responsibility
- Observes the ways she creates, promote or allows everything in her life
- Empowers himself to make different choices when necessary
- Takes what works (while it works) and leaves what doesn’t work behind as soon as it’s found ineffective. Also known as ruthlessness.
- Seeks out honest feedback from others and uses it to grow
- Cultivates a growth mindset
- Complains/explains less, and acts/adjusts more
- Demonstrates compassion for self and others, knowing that the V-P-R triangle is part of the human condition
- Forgives quickly in service to keeping the windshield clean
Recruit a neutral party to facilitate you towards a mindset of Compassionate Ownership. Do it as soon as possible because the longer you hang out in your less-than-true story, the longer you put off serving deeply and succeeding wildly.
